Jolly, Bratz-Maroo!

Dear Fans,

I have been on a slight sabbatical - I'm sure you can imagine how I do need my time to rest. I had a couple of pedi-paw appointments with the lovely ladies at petsmart and decided to take a much needed vacation. This vacation included sleeping in until 9 a.m. and refusing to eat my breakfast unless the cage door was left open.
Despite my attempt to recruit Jolly the stupid, she is a crafty little minx that tricks me! I give her a little bit of trust, and what does she do? That little runt turns against me!!
I invited Jolly to watch me partake in a delicious snack of pink underwear. Since she is still in training she is NOT allowed to have a taste, only watch. However, after her attempting to steal the underwear and failing miserable (like I would fall her for tricks!) she started doing this horrible shrill barking that of course caught mom's attention. The stupid little girl got my snack taken away and I got spanked right on the butt!
I have yet to figure out how I want to deal with her...this nonsense with ratting me out is just unacceptable! Completely unacceptable!
Aside from her tattling on me like a little baby I had an adventure with a new toy last night.
After digging through dad's backpack I found a whole peanut butter jar and decided to try and open it. After batting it around for awhile I got it lodged underneath the couch and had to get mom's help to get it back out. I ripped off the label and almost got the top off before dad took it away. I'm hoping if I play my cards right i can get Jolly's help to break into the peanut butter jar (not that she will get any)...

There's a new delicious treat in town - Cat Tail!

Delicious the cat has been terminated!!! My evil mom decided to take Delicious away from me last month and hide it in the closet because I ripped its belly open, and ate half of it's stuffing. (very fulfilling and satisfying if I do say so.) I Incorporated Jolly's help to get Delicious back. I had Jolly pee on the floor in the living room, while I sucked up my gut and squeezed into the closet and ripped Delicious free!

I had Delicious all to myself for about 45 minutes before mom realized what I was gnawing on. By then, it was too late. I had eaten Delicious's tail right off of his body and swallowed it whole. Mmmmm good! Much to my mother's screaming at me, and massaging my belly, I did NOT throw up that cat tail. I refused!

About 3 days later however my belly was not feeling so hott. Mom kept telling dad, "Ike looks pathetic. How do I make him throw up? Can you stick your finger down a dog's throat?" I did my best to hide from her most of the day. Later on that night while lounging on my bed, I felt a rumble, and a tumble and *KABLAH!* up came the tail! At that exact moment, mom walked in and screamed "IS THAT A BIRD? WHAT DID YOU EAT???" She picked me up and locked me in my crate. Awhile later she let me out while she was cleaning up the cat tail. I watched as she turned her back, darted over and slurped that tail right back up!!! Mom turned around horrified and immediately begin to try and make me throw up. I refused of course.

It wasn't until another four days passed while visiting my grandparents house that I felt that old familiar pain. A rumble, and a tumble and *KABLAH* up the tail came again. This time however, mom was too quick and thew it away before I could nab it again.

Besides my mother stealing my delicacy away from me, I did manage to spill cranberry juice on her brand new couch. Dad was even mad about that one! Every morning mom takes me off the leash after going potty, makes me sit, and then I can come in the house. I came in the house, ran as fast as I could over to the kitchen counter, hiked myself up and started slurping up as much as that juice as I could get. I heard her screaming, "NO!!! NO!!! GET DOWN!!!" Did that stop me? Heck now! I used my turbo suction power and slurped up half of the cup, but accidentally knocked it over in the process. ......big no-no. I was banished to the dungeon of doom for hours!!!

Speaking of my dungeon of doom, stupid Jolly now sleeps with me. She keeps pooping and peeing in her crate, so mom and dad force me to sleep with her because its the only place she doesn't potty. (Not that I would mind because I've discovered I love to eat poop! Fresh poop, calcified poop I'm not picky) This however, doesn't bode well with me. She stinks! And she's greedy with the covers. I'm going to get rid of her..somehow.....

Merry Christmas to me....NOT!!!

Leave it to my parents to find a way to ruin my Christmas!
I was quite prepared to enjoy a full week at my granny's house and terrorize aunt Tahlor, run from grandpa gripeypants, and ignore my two parents.
These plans were squashed quickly when I realized that my mother had brought an
intruder into the home!
The intruder is black, stinks like milk, has sharp teeth, and cries in her crate. Her name is Jolly, and she's my new sister. UGH! WHY would they do this to ME??!!

To the left you can see me eyeing this creature of stink!! She steals my spot on momma, and acts like she's helpless so my parents carry her around the house. She cries all night, and whines when she doesn't get her way. She even turns into a little mean muntant dog when left in the crate for longer than she likes. She clings onto the crate, shakes to door and howls like she's dying. (AND SHE'S NOT! SHE'S A FAKER!!)
However, my parents refuse to get rid of her and continue to lavish attention on her that should be mine!
I of course, found a way to extract my revenge upon all 3 of them! Jolly has her "special" food that smells mighty tasty. I was not allowed to nibble on any of which is totally not fair! Big brother's should be able to try the food first to make sure it's not bad.
While mom was preoccupied and dad was playing with evil Jolly I stole the puppy food, and hid underneath the bed with it. I made sure to eat through the bag over by the wall that way, no one could reach me. As soon as I ate half of the yummy pebbles of deliciousness mom found me and pulled the mattress off the bed to pick me up and take the bag of food away from me. RATS!!!! I As you can see I at least got half of the food first.
I think I may need to be nice to this little harpie and get her on my side..yes...she may come in handy quite quickly.

Couch Me Sundays!

Sunday is my favorite day of the week! Daddy is gone at work so he can't punish me, mom is busy doing her homework and I am left alone to snooze on the couch and watch the boob tube.
Last Sunday my mother made it her personal mission to annoy me at every possible second, and keep me from getting my fatnaps. I guess she thought I was sick because I wasn't eating anything, or stealing pens from her backpack. ( I also helped myself to a big load of kitty chocolate before she saw me but that's just between me and you!) So naturally I was tired! I had just finished a very important covert operation, ate the chocolate yuminess and didn't get yelled at, or put in the dungeon of doom.
While I sprawled myself out on the couch to enjoy my muzzle licking good traces of cat chocolate my mother kept poking me. Every single time I fell asleep she'd walk in stare at me until I opened my eyes and saw her big head in front of my face and said, "are you alright?"


Over and Over and Over and Over and Over again!

She then, proceeded to photograph every move I made. Do you see her obsession with me? at first I tried to be nice but as the photos progress you can see my annoyance. Photo 1: "You woke me up" Photo 2: "I'm watching t.v. evil wench mother!" Photo 3: "DO YOU SEE ME STICKING MY TONGUE OUT AT YOU??" Photo 4: "god please strike her down."





Normally I am used to such amazement and admiration for my handsomeness and wonderful personality but not on SUNDAYS. Does my retarded mother NOT realize that Sunday is the day of rest, and that is exactly what I will do?
Apparently not! She even waved Delicious the cat in front of my face. Taunting and insulting me as if I, were that trivial to lunge off the couch for that stupid fat ear-less cat. No!
I extracted revenge upon my mother hours later when I stole cheese out of her hand, and then farted right in her face while she was watching t.v.

adventures of Delicious at the Maci Day Parade

My cousin Maci came to visit me for Thanksgiving! Oh my gosh, another visitor for me king Ike!

Along with Maci came my auntie Taylor who often thinks she's my boss. She's always trying to teach me "tricks" or to "behave". Silly Tahlor (as I call her) hasn't realized this king obeys no one!

Anyways, while Tahlor was blabbing on with my insolent mother I took Maci off to play with my cat.

The cat has no name because I ate his face! hahaha. I guess I should just refer to him as "delicious the cat". I couldn't wait to show dodo-bird Maci what this cat can do! It's amazing I tell you!

To get the full effect I had to demonstrate "Delicious the cat's" powers. As usual Delicious is left to bleed stuffing all over the floor in my bedroom. I had Maci follow me in. I hopped up on the bed, and then took a flying leap of fat power right smack down on Delicious's belly. "GRRRR" it yelped at me and then I rolled off! Delicious the cat growls at me!!!!!!!!! Once I showed Maci I grabbed Delicious by the ear, and dragged him down the hall.

As soon as I got into the living room I was bombarded with, "No Ike", "Give that to me fat pig!", and my personal favorite, "Look at the mess you made piggy!!". I dropped Delicious at my whiny mothers feet and took off with Maci. I wasn't going to let my mom embarrass me in front of my guest.

After entertaining Maci with my ability to run so fast my tail goes straight, she slobbered on my head and I fell asleep from exhaustion. What host wouldn't? I showed her my prized possession (she wasn't allowed to touch though) and entertained her with my fantastic gifts of speed. Soon after Maci was taken back to her house, and I was left with Delicious the entire weekend!!

Toe Monsters!

Since my parents have realized that a sweet angel like me:

Deserves to sleep in the bed with them every night, I've started to get scared. I'm not sure why, but I fall asleep after licking their toes raw and then the toes scare me! These creepy looking nubs are there, just looking at me. So, when I open my eyes after having a dream of mom feeding me cookies I bounce up, growl, and usually almost fall off the bed!

Dad thinks this is ha-ha-larious. I beg to differ! I'm scared by these nighttime toes, and what does he do? He rubs his stinky gimmie toes right in my face. (If you're asking yourself what a "gimmie" toe is, its a term used from a tv show to describe a scary looking monster.)

This has started happening every night for the past week! Mom got tired of me bouncing around, growling, and then having to lift me back up onto the bed once I fall off. Now, I'm banished to the fortress of doom (refer to previous posts if confused) and all because I'm having a delicious dream, and wake up to find stinky crusty feet in my face.

WHO WOULDN'T BE SCARED??? If you're not scared by people's feet in the middle of the night, then there is something wrong with you!

I think the next time dad tries to scare me even more, I'm going to bite his toes just like I did to mom when she tried to wrestle me into my cage.

Eventually, I will teach these bad parents how to take care of the king properly. Until then, I'm off to eat more pencils, and a stash of dad's computer game Cd's that I have hidden in my crate.

Piggy on the Attack!

Well, these past couple of weeks have been great.

Mom and dad have been letting me sleep in the bed and I've been as comfortable as a piggy in a blanket - literally. Look at my little feet sticking out of the covers. That's my dad hogging all the bed AND the camera. I should have farted at his face, and then I would have gotten more room to streach out.

Last night though, my mom thought she could trick me into going to sleep in my crate. FAT CHANCE! She was blabbing on the phone while trying to pick me up. I knew right away she was up to something, so I started to run really fast in circles around her. (She's slow and can't ever catch me) So then when she would try and grab me, I would run by and bite her toes. Mom's so dumb, she started stomping her feet around trying to keep me from grabbing a toe so I jumped up and scratched her right on the hand! While she was preoccupied crying about that, I bit her toe again and then hid underneath the dining room table.

....she caught me. This capture only happened because I surrendered. I knew that if I beat her up anymore, she would smack me one real good.

Tell me, does this look like a dog that belongs in a crate?

I think not! I'm fuzzy, and squishy, and a little stinky! The perfect combination for a warm pillow that will disperse toots of fartitude, I mean gratitude all night long! Soon enough momslave will realize this.